hokage333

Feb 1 2010, 03:57 AM

well, i deicded to give writing a YGO FF a try. i dont own any of the GX characters, but i do use some of them. Tjis is NOT based arouind the GX xharacters, but rather my own characters. the begingin is sorta...familiar. well, rnjoy! ALSO, KEEP IN MIND MY GRAMMER ISNT SO GOOD SO PLEASE EXCUSE ANY MISTAKES.
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Chapter 1:Beginning of a Great Duelist

'Crap, I'm late! I can't believe I woke up late for the most important day of my life!' a young man with white skin thought, as he raced through the streets of Domino city. He had black hair that was in a porcupine-like style. The young man had bright blue eyes and a regular looking nose with slightly pointed ears. He wore a brown coat with a white shirt underneath. He wore plain regular jeans and black sneakers. He had a a special duel disk that was all black, and was shaped like the wing of the Red Eyes Black Dragon. He saw his destination up ahead, and started running even faster toward the Duel Academy entrance exam building. All of a sudden, he rammed straight into a strange man.
“Oh, sorry sir, that was my fault.” said the young man. Then he noticed all of his cards were on the floor. He sighed, but before he could pick them up, the man he rammed into picked them up for him.
“Oh, hey, thank you, sir.” the young man said, as he looked up at the person who helped him. As he saw the mans face, he gasped.
“Your...your...your...SETO KIABA!!!!!!” exclaimed the young man.
“Ah, so you've heard of me” replied Kiaba as he started looking through the young mans deck without asking.
“This is a very good deck. And by looking at you, I can tell you have great potential as a duelist. What is your name?” kiaba asked
“Ryuu, Mr.Kiaba sir” Ryuu replied
“Well, Ryuu, I have a good feeling about you. Here, take this card. Consider it a gift for being polite.” Kiaba said as he took a card of his pocket and gave it to Ryuu.
' This card! It's........exactly what I needed!'
“Thank you, Mr. Kiaba!”
“No problem. Just make sure of one thing: Get into my Duel Academy. I'll be waiting for you. “
“Yes, Mr. Kiaba! I will get in, no matter what!”
“I'll see you then.” said Kiaba, as he walked off. Ryuu stood there for about five second, before he remembered he was late for the entrance exam. He took off running at full speed, barely making it in the building before the last duel.
He ran into the lobby, and went up to the receptionist, who had tan skin and was wearing red dress.
“Yes?” she asked in an extremely high voice
“ I'm here to take the Duel Academy entrance exam! Please tell me I'll be able to take it!” said Ryuu, almost begging.
“Your very lucky, you almost didn't make it. Another minute and you would've been sent home. I'll tell the vice principle about this. Please go through those double doors on the left.”
“Thanks lady!” Ryuu said, as he went through the doors.

Duel Academy Entrance Exam Building, BF1
“So, is there anybody left to test?” asked a the vice principle, who was a woman. She had long blond hair, a Gray coat that was buttoned up. She also had a white skirt on. She had striking blue eyes, and an extremely beautiful face.
“Only one more left, Professor Alexis.” replied the man she was talking to. He was wearing what he had worn in the days when he was a pro, but now Aster Phoenix was a teacher at the Duel Academy.
“Who?” Vice Principle Rhodes asked
“ A certain Ryuu Kaji.” replied Aster.
“Well, I think we should have fun with this one”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“Aster, I want you to use your real deck when you duel this one.”
“WHAT?!?!? WHY?!?!? I'll destroy him!” exclaimed Aster
“ Well, even if he loses, m in if you think he has the skill, we'll let him in anyway. Just think of it as his first test, to see how good he is compared to a pro.”
“Technically, I'm not a pro, but I'll go with it.” Aster said with a grin.

Duel Academy Entrance Building, duel arena
“Woah.” was Ryuu's only comment when he stepped inside through the double doors. It was bigger than three football fields. The arena was an oval that took about half the area, while the rest was taken up by stands that went up higher and higher. The arena was white, while the stands were blue. There were many people talking, but molst of them were watching the dule ahead of them. The emaniner had 500 life points, while the to-be student had 300 life points. The examiner had no field, where as the other person had a Six-Samurai Zanji on his field.
“Go, Zanji! Direct Attack!!!” said the student. Zanji ran at the examiner, lifted his sword, and swung down, ending the duel.
“Good job, you pass” said the examiner to the student. As the student turned, Ryuu gasped. Then he grinned. This person was his best friend, whose name was Kanji. Kanji was wearing a black no sleeves shirt, which looked like it almost blended in with his dark skin. He had dark brown eyes, and he wore black jeans. He was cheering, then he made eye contact with Ryuu. He stared for a few minutes, the broke out in a toothy grin and waved. Ryuu waved back, as Kanji headed up toward him. When they finally met, they shook hands.
“ Sup Ryuu? Long time no see!” said Zanji in his deep voice
“You know it! So, how was your trip to America?” Ryuu asked, for the last time they had met, it was about 6 months ago, when Kanji was boarding a plane to visit America for a while.
“Dude, it was awesome! I played with a lot of tough duelists, and even met a certain Rebbecca Hawkins, who happens to a friend of the famous Yugi Moto! Can you believe it?”
“No, not really. But that doesn't matter. I have an even bigger story. I'll tell you in a while. Right now, I just wanna watch the next person who's gonna duel.”
“Sure thats....” Kanji started, but then was interrupted by an announcement
“RYUU KAJI, PLEASE COME DOWN TO THE ARENA AT THIS TIME! IT IS TIME FOR YOUR ENTRANCE EXAM!” a voice announced.
“Alright, looks I'm up! Wish me luck Kanji!” Ryuu said, as he started to run down
“You better not screw up man, I need some one to talk to when I get to the Academy!” Kanji said. Ryuu just laughed and continued to run. He reached his place, and waited for his examiner. Then, he saw a man walking to the other spot. He was wearing a gray coat with gray pants.
“I know you!” Ryuu exclamied. “You're Aster Phoenix!”
“That's good. It means even though I'm retired, I'm not forgotten.” Aster said, smiling.
“This is gonna be AWESOME!” Ryuu shouted, as he activated his duel disk.
“You better believe it, Ryuu” Aster said, activating his duel disk.
“GAME ON!!!!” both players shouted at the same time
(4000/4000)
“Since I'm older, I'll go first!” Said Aster, drawing his card.
'Interesting...i think I'll take a leaf out of my old friends book' Aster thought to himself.
“Alright! From my hand, I'll activate Polymerization to fuse my Elemental Hero Avian with my Elemental Hero Burstinatrix to create Elemental hero FLAME WINGMAN!” Said Aster, as Wingman came onto his field. “Then I'll throw down a facedown and call it a turn.”
“My draw!” said Ryuu, and as he looked at the card he drew, he smiled.”I'll summon my Red Eyes Black Chick in attack mode!” said Ryuu, as a little dragon appeared on his field. “Now I'll activate It's special ability! By sending it to the gravyard, I can special summon my RED EYES BLACK DRAGON!” exclaimed Ryuu, as the mighty beast appeared on his side of the field.
“Hmmm...that's not to good.” said Aster.
“You know it! Now, Red Eyes Black Dragon, attack his flame wingman!” Ryuu said, as the dragon shot a blck fire ball from its mouth.
“ Not so fast! I'll activate my trap card, negate attack! This stops your dragons attack!” said Aster, while the fireball vanished.
“Ahh well, I'll just have to wait till next turn.”Said Ryuu. “But for now, I'll just throw down 2 face downs and end my turn”
“My draw!” Said Aster, looking at the card he drew. He grinned, and looked at Ryuu. “Sorry Ryuu, but I'm ending this duel here and now” Ryuu looked puzzeled, so Aster showed him what he meant. “I'll summon up my Elemental Hero Sparkman in attack mode! Then I'll activate the field spell card Sky Scraper!” Aster said, as huge building started to grow around them'. “Now, Flame Wingman, attack his Dragon! Flaming Sky Dive!”
“What? Why are you attacking when you have lower attack points?” Ryuu asked, thoroughly confused.
“Well, you see, when skyscraper is on the field, and my Elemental heroes that attack your monsters which have higher attack pints then them, it gives them a 1000 piont boost!”
“WHAT!?!?” Ryuu exclamied.
“Thats right, so say goodbye to your Dragon!” Aster said as Flame Wingman came in for the kill. Ryuu clenched his teeth, not sure of what to do...

TO BE CONTINUED...
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ENJOY!

DPaladinD

Feb 2 2010, 01:08 AM

Alrighty... Really not sure on the choices of your cameos.

Kaiba: Emulating Judai's encounter with Yuugi at the beginning of GX. I don't think Kaiba would've acted like you wrote him though.

Asuka: Duel Academia's Vice Principal. Alright... depending on how long after GX this is, it COULD be possible. Also, allowing Edo to use his 'real' deck for the duel against your lead OC, I'm not liking it too much. If Ryuu wins this duel, it will make him seem overpowered, considering that Edo is a seasoned Pro Duelist.

Edo: My problem here isn't you using him, it's how you've used him. He ran his E-Hero deck alongside his D-Heroes in his actual deck's first appearance, and then changed to pure D-Hero. Considering what he goes through in season 4, I doubt that he would've gone back to an E-Hero build. Plus, how you've written his dueling so far, it's really emulating Judai, and even when Edo used E-Heroes, he had a different playstyle to Judai. Even in the writing itself Edo seems a lot more like Judai.

Now then, for Ryuu himself... I'm not liking him. His dueling really doesn't seem to be anything special. I see that the Red-Eyes cards must be a favourite of yours, but consider that Duel Academia is an elite dueling school. Students are going to need some degree of skill to pass the exams and get in. Unless you're planning on having Ryuu lose this duel, and have to somehow get a second attempt after improving his deck and himself, I doubt I'm going to enjoy this.

nyjetsrulz

Feb 10 2010, 07:56 AM

Sup. Read the two chapters that you have posted and I see potential, quite raw but still potential. The first thing I would say that if you don't do this, always proof read your chapters. Re-read them once or twice to see if there are any errors, or get someone else to read them for you. It will make the chapters flow better as well as weed out any mistakes that are obvious, For example:

“Thats right! Now, Sparkman, destroy his Red Eyes Black Dragon! Go, Shining Justice!” Aster's Sparkman made a shiny ball of lightning and threw it at Red Eyes Black Dragon, which blew up before Ryuu's eyes.
(1600/3800)

“Now, during my main phase 2, I'll switch my Sparkman to defense mode! I end my turn” Aster said

One or two proofreads before posting would have made you noticed this error and change it. Not trying to slant you or anything, just feel that for yours and the readers benefits it would help.

Another in is the conversations. If two people are having a conversation you don't have to put in he/she said after every sentence. For example:

"Not so fast! I activate the trap card Sakaretsu Armor! This destroys an attack monster! So say good-bye to your Flame Wingman!” Ryuu said, whlie the hero exploded in mid-attack,

'Hmm...he seems to be better than I thought. His other facedown must be another trap, so I'll just wait and see before I attack' Aster thought. “I end my turn by placing one card facedown” he said aloud.

“Draw!” said Ryuu, looking at his hand. He was happy that his bluff had worked, for his second facedown was actually a spell card, Inferno Fire Blast. “I'll now activate my spell card, Inferno Fire Blast!” Said Ryuu.

“No need to explain this card, I know how it works.” Said Aster.

(really should have done it in quote reply lol)

Anyway the above conversation, most readers would grasp that the conversation is between RYuu and Aster. Therefore putting he/she said after each speech is not necessary imo, I can see why you do it but I think readers can work out who is currently saying what. Obv when new people enter the convo its a different story.

Personal Opinions

Kudos to the hero using Red-Eyes as its my fave monster of all time

Kaiba cameo was a bit off imo. I can see it's almost a standing for the Yugi cameo in GX but Kaiba was depicted a lil bit out of character.

Kinda wish there was a reason/justification as to why Asuka/Alexis wanted Aster to duel Ryuu, but that's minor details.

Anyway hope my advice is helpful, sorry if you felt I was hard on you

nyjetsrulz

Feb 11 2010, 08:06 AM

Valid point on the Aster angle, so fair enough. If you need a proofreader though I'm happy to offer my services if required. (for a price :D)

anakin2872

Feb 11 2010, 09:33 PM

Well, I was going to say perhaps swap Kaiba with Joey or Atticus (13 years after GX which was 10 years after the original series which means that Kaiba is like 50...something tells me he'll be one of those nasty old men yelling "GET OFF THE LAWN, YA DARN KIDS!")
but you seem to have it figured out.
-Dan